I was so surprised when I found a DM from an editor from one of my country’s major publishers, offering to send a newly published novel to me. At that time I was like “oh? Why me, tho?” and “yay new book!” because who am I to deny a free book?

The book arrived several days later, with a shiny red gift wrapping. After taking tons of pictures, I unwrapped it and found two books inside! Oho! Thank you so much Mbak Didiet!

Book on the left is the novel offered to me, the book on the right is the bonus. It’s one of The Famous Five’s series, which I already devoured during my elementary school days, hahaha. It was my mother’s, and compared to this shiny, reprinted version, those felt so old, lol. (Maybe I should make a post dedicated to rating my favorite Famous Five’s cases? That’s a thought, but it’s definitely for another day.)

Anyway, enough with this cheesy introduction and let’s start reviewing the novel.

Kembali Bebas, the Book

As you can see from the picture above, the title is “Kembali Bebas” or “returning back to freedom”, if translated literally. (I’m sure it’ll not be like that as a title, lol. Maybe “Unrestrained” can be a better title.) It’s written by Sasa Ahadiah, another GWP writer! You can find her other stories in her GWP profile~ You can also visit Kembali Bebas’s Goodreads page here!

When I first heard of the title, I looked for the summary and it sounded interesting. Roughly, it was about an almost fifty year old couple, whose wife proposed for a divorce. Their last child had married already, so she felt like their responsibility as parents was over. Surprised, the husband refused. Thus began a year-long quest of the husband to discover the reason behind his wife’s demand, and to persuade his wife to renounce her decision.

Before we proceed further, this book has no official English translation at the time this review is posted, so all the English translations on quotations below are translated by me. If there are any mistranslations or context that get lost in translation, it’s all on me.

Also, this review is not spoiler free. So, please proceed with precaution!

Reading Experience

Roughly, I spent a week—or maybe a week and a half?—in finishing Kembali Bebas, but I didn’t read it on consecutive days. There were days where I didn’t read for two weeks straight, haha. Don’t blame the book, blame my reading slump period!

Upon early pages, you’ll be greeted by the conflict head on: Tata (the wife) and Ibra (the husband) were about to send their youngest son to his wedding. The couple quarreled a bit, and fast-forward to the end of the wedding, cued Tata said, “kita cerai, yuk?” (Ahadiah, p. 15) [“Let’s divorce.”]

The plot is refreshing for me. Maybe the same idea occurred once in several unhappy marriages across the world, maybe some couples do actually get a divorce. Regardless, this is my first time reading this kind of story and I definitely support the idea of divorcing your partner if you’re not happy with them, hahaha.

Honestly, this is only my second marriage-life book after Penaka. Not going to lie, my opinion towards marriage novels wasn’t good before it. As I said in Penaka’s review (check it out if you haven’t already!) this kind of novel isn’t my niche. Then Penaka happened, hence I was able to widen my scope.

What Makes Me “Ooh!”

Compared to Sofia in Penaka, I didn’t get as much infuriated as I read Tata’s struggle in Kembali Bebas. I think it’s because 1) it’s mainly told from the husband’s POV, and 2) Tata still can do her hobby without having to sacrifice as much as Sofia.

It’s always nice to read a female character whose ambitions have nothing to do with her male partner. In this case, Tata went to seek comfort in her old hobby when her husband was too tired to care for her. Later, when they lived separately, Tata accepted commissions and projects and made illustrating as her main job.

I found myself rooting for Tata and her decision to divorce her husband, and (kinda) doubted whether Ibra’s effort would bear fruit or not. Yet, I tried to be cool-headed and non-judgemental until the end. Just like Laksana, maybe this guy was worth it!

Ibra was indeed worth saving. During the early chapters where he started living alone, he felt guilty because he had taken his wife for granted all this time. He went to his friend for advice (and even overheard his friend’s wife bad-mouthing him in secret lol) and he listened to them well.

“Ya, sekarang gue menahan emosi saja sudah usaha banget. Gue mau bullshit ini selesai, tapi gue tahu gue yang bullshit… gue yang shitty…” Ibra terkekeh. “She fed my ego way too long. Gue nggak tahu kenapa dia bisa kuat. Gue saja nggak kuat sama diri gue sendiri sekarang.”

“Kalau gue boleh saran nih, Bra…” Kini suara Wayan mulai terdengar. […] “Nggak ada gunanya lihat-lihat masa lalu. Lebih baik pusatkan energi lo untuk menghadapi masa sekarang. Ya, Tata nolak lo. Lagi. Tapi, apa ya lo harus langsung terima begitu saja? Dia itu istri, bukan pacar lo. Pasti ada yang bisa lo lakukan buat ngeluluhin hatinya.

[ “Now I’m really struggling in holding back my emotions. I want this bullshit to end, but I know I’m the bullshit… I’m the one who’s shitty…” Ibra laughed. “She fed my ego way too long. I don’t know how she put up with it. I don’t even tolerate myself these days.”

“Well, I’d say…” Now they heard Wayan’s voice. […] “It’s useless to look back now. It’s better to focus your energy on the present time. Yeah, Tata turned you down. Again. But do you have to accept it just like that? She’s your wife, not a mere girlfriend. There must be something you can do to win her heart.” ]

Ahadiah, p. 106-7

In some scenes where he argued with Tata, he even tried to hold himself back. I like that he was actively trying to mend what he’s done, without dismissing his old shitty behavior. Well, he did, in several early chapters, when the separation hadn’t really sunk into his head.

Characters aside, I like how we also get glimpses of Tata’s thoughts and situations from the flashbacks. They don’t appear in every chapter, but it’s enough to keep us on edge regarding her early marriage years. I think it’s to contrast Ibra’s behavior then and now.

What Makes Me “Uhh?”

There are several things that made me “uhh” while reading Kembali Bebas. I don’t know if it’s just me and my limited knowledge on relationships, but some of Tata’s scenes of blaming herself for not having a bigger heart to put up with Ibra’s (shitty) behavior don’t sit right with me.

“Apa masih ada sedikit saja cinta kamu untuk aku, Ta?” tanya Ibra memelas. […]

“Aku bertahan 28 tahun sama kamu itu modalnya hanya cinta, Bra. Cinta juga yang bikin aku pengin mengakhiri ini semua dengan baik-baik,” ucap Tata lembut.

“Kalau cinta, kenapa mau berakhir sih, Ta?”

“Karena aku merasa kapasitasku tidak cukup untuk menerima kamu seutuhnya.” […] “Bra… kamu nggak salah, aku yang nggak mampu. Aku sudah sampai di ujung batasku, Bra.”

[ “Do you still love me, even for a bit, Ta?” Ibra asked miserably.” […]

“My love for you is the one keeping me for the past 28 years, Bra. Love is also what makes me want to end this in a good term,” Tata said gently.

“If you still love me, why’d you want it to end, Ta?”

“Because I don’t think I have the capacity to accept you as you are,” […] “Bra… you’re not wrong, I’m just not capable. I’m already at the end of my rope.” ]

Ahadiah, p. 56-7

“Aku butuh kamu di hidupku, Ta… di hidup yang singkat ini… bisakah kita mendiskusikannya lagi, please? Apa salahku? Izinkan aku memperbaiki semuanya.” Ibra kembali membujuk Tata.

Tata berkaca-kaca. Ia mencoba mengatur napas selama beberapa saat sebelum menjawab Ibra. “Masalahnya, nggak ada yang salah, Bra.”

[…]

“Malah, kalau ada yang harus disalahkan, itu aku,” kata Tata dengan suara yang bergetar, “Kuharap aku punya hati yang lebih besar, cinta yang lebih besar untukmu. Aku nggak punya kekuatan untuk bisa berada di sisimu.”

[ “I need you in my life, Ta… in this short life… can’t we discuss it again, please? Where’s my fault? Please let me redo everything.” Ibra tried to coax Tata again.

Tata’s vision blurred. She took a while to take a breath before answering. “The problem is, nobody’s wrong, Bra.” […] “If anything, the one’s to blame is me,” Tata said, trembling. “I hope I have a bigger heart, a greater love for you. I don’t have the power to be with you.” ]

Ahadiah, p. 66-7

Undoubtedly, these two scenes are sad, but it doesn’t work for me. I just think that her blaming herself is unnecessary.

Honestly, there are some situations where you just have to endure a lot just because you love someone. There are some cases that I can understand why you have to do that. In this one, though, it’s obvious that the communication proposed by Tata didn’t work, so the problem is not hers, but Ibra’s.

“Yes, Sita, that’s the thing—that’s why she said it, for the extra angst! To show that she really loves him, so she’s willing to do that!” Yeah, I know, but why tho! /crying emoji/

Final Thoughts

Some time in the middle of writing this review, I told my friend about Tata’s story, and asked what they thought about her behavior (in which I wrote in “what made me uhh?” section). One of them agreed with me, and another said that,

“Maybe it’s just in her nature,” my friend said. It was our regular random call, since we all live in different cities. “She knew that actually her husband was wrong, maybe she just couldn’t help to shift the blame to herself. I know several people like her.”

Yet, long before that call happened, I can see why Tata was willing to revoke her divorce proposal. If it was me, maybe I wouldn’t undo it—but it wasn’t me! At last, Tata got what she always wanted: a caring and understanding husband, even when she needed to go through a lot first. You do you, Tata!

Despite all of this, I decided to give this a solid 3.75 star! I enjoy the reading process, I really like how Tata is portrayed as an independent woman, and it’s a perfect novel to read while you want a light read to kill your time.